Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 23:28:52 -0500
Reply-To: Jara da Cimrman
Sender: Jara da Cimrman
From: Jan Rehacek
Organization: Obecni skola Liptakov
Subject: Evropsky ustav
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> From: Jan Klas
> Subject: Den Jary da Cimrmana za Evropskou ustavu
> Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 10:36:11 GMT
>
> Jiste vite, ze Jara da Cimrman byl velky Evropan. Je nam znamo, ze
> sepsal jednu z prvnich Evropskych Ustav.
Vazeni pratele,
zde bych si dovolil opravit jednu malou historickou nepresnost,
ktere se kolega Klas ve sve horlivosti dopustil. Jara Cimrman totiz
nesepsal Evropskou ustavu, ale Ustavu Evropskeho ustavu.
K tomu pripojujeme male vysvetleni.
V lete roku 1903 sedel Jara na Ripu, obedval skubanky, ktere mu do
kastrulku pripravila jeho obdivovatelka a obcasna mecenaska, pani
Josefina K., a obhlizel svou milovanou zemi. Pri te prilezitosti
si uvedomil, ze jakkoliv je to zeme mlekem a strdim oplyvajici,
velikosti je to jen malilinkaty ostruvek uprostred Evropy a jako
takovy se nikdy nebude tesit takove vaznosti jako treba Brazilie,
Kanada, Francie nebo dokonce Antarktida.
Nevyznamne postaveni ceskych zemi v evropskem kontextu Cimrmana
prirozene trapilo a toho leta proto stravil znacnou cast sveho
drahocenneho casu premitanim, jak postaveni Cechu a Moravanu na
evropske scene zvyraznit. Nejruznejsi myslenky se mu pri tom honily
hlavou: anexe vychodniho Bavorska, vyvinuti smrtici zbrane z
olomouckych syrecku, atentat na anglickeho krale Edwarda, zalozeni
odstepneho drevarskeho zavodu Microsoft s veskerymi komercnimi pravy
k uzivani teto znacky atp. Teprve v rijnu 1903, pri rozbijeni parezu
na mytince nedaleko Harrachova, ho vsak napadlo konecne reseni ceske
otazky.
Neni-li mozno Cechy a Moravu zvetsit natolik, aby byly v evropskem
meritku viditelne prostym okem, je nutno velke evropske staty
rozdrobit na mensi a jeste mensi statni utvary a to tak dlouho, az
se ceske zeme stanou nejvyznamnejsi evropskou mocnosti.
Myslenka "Totalni Evropske Desintegrace" Cimrmana nadchla natolik, ze
se ji obiral po celou zimu 1903/04 a dovedl ji prakticky k dokonalosti.
Napriklad kdysi mocne Nemecko se melo stat bezvyznamnou kupickou 138
statecku a kralovstvicek a uz i tak pomerne male Lichtenstejnsko se
melo dale rozdrobit na 4 samostatna knizectvi, plus autonomni oblast
Severovychodni Vaduz.
Nejmocnejsim statnim utvarem na politicke mape Evropy by se v Jarove
desintegrovane Evrope stalo "Spojene kralovstvi Hradce Kralove a
severnich Pardubic" s celkovym poctem 30000 obyvatel, 2000 kusu dobytka
a 90 obracecu sena, nasledovane Andaluskem, jiznim Porynim a Dejvicemi.
Nahle posileni hradecko-pardubickeho vlivu na evropske scene ovsem
obcanum obou vychodoceskych metropoli poradne zamotalo hlavu. Mnozi
starousedlici severnich Pardubic se dozadovali znovupripojeni k
Pardubicim, zatimco mladsi spolecenske vrstvy, casto ekonomicky
napojene na nove hradecke prumyslniky, podporovali Cimrmanem navrzeny
model, spojeny s vyhodnou kontrolou prasne cesty E22 mezi obema mesty.
Mocenske trenice ve vychodnich Cechach vyvrcholily v srpnu 1904
ozbrojenym stretnutim mezi prohradeckou Loajalistickou armadou
dobrovolniku a Pardubickou narodne osvobozeneckou armadou v obci
Ceperka. Skupinky extremistu, vyzbrojene motykami, dalekonosnymi praky,
obrnenymi velocipedy a ztvrdlymi houskami, zcela zaplnily jinak docela
mirumilovnou osadu a postupne vybilili hospodu U javoru, pozarni
zbrojnici a jiz trochu zasedly kravin. Podle zpravy okresniho
hejtmanstvi zde navic sezrali pul metraku krmne kukurice a hloucek
kontusovkou rozkurazenych pardubickych separatistu dokonce zapricinil
nezadouci tehotenstvi peti plemennych krav dovezenych z Belgie.
Pnuti ve vychodoceskem regionu nebylo ani zdaleka jedinym problemem,
ktery s sebou Mistruv grandiosni desintegracni projekt prinasel.
Stale casteji se objevovali anarchiste, politicti silenci a vysloveni
saboteri, volajici naopak po sjednocene Evrope. Mistr tyto zbloudile
ovce neodsuzoval, ba naopak snazil se jim pomoci tim, ze pro ne v Praze
Bohnicich navrhl zvlastni lecebny ustav, tzv. Evropsky Ustav, kde by
v bukolickem poklidu prirodniho lesika mohli rozjimat nad evropskym
usporadanim a osvezeni studenymi sprchami pak lepe vychutnali vsechny
skryte prednosti desintegracniho procesu.
Pokud je nam znamo, k vlastni vystavbe Evropskeho ustavu nikdy nedoslo
a nasledky v podobe silicich snah o evropskou integraci se dostavily
jeste v tomto stoleti. Vinu za tento konstrukcni nezdar vsak nenesou
zkostnatele rakousko-uherske stavebni firmy, ale kupodivu sam Mistr,
konkretne jeho prislovecne nizky pametovy koeficient. Pohledneme ted
spolecne na dva krucialni zaznamy v jeho stavebnim deniku z roku 1904:
12. zari 1904: Dnes je velky den. Polozil jsem zakladni kamen k budove
Evropskeho ustavu. Jiz za pul roku se ty zbloudile duse
budou oddavati pozitkum meho vodniho dela.
14. zari 1904: Hrome. Kam jsem ten zakladni kamen predevcirem polozil?
No nic, alespon budu mit vice casu na peclivou dostavbu
velkoveprina v Kardasove Recici.
Pres stavebni nezdar Evropskeho ustavu existuji neprime dukazy, ze
Mistr jiz pred polozenim zakladniho kamene vypracoval jakysi domaci
rad pro tamnejsi chovance, znamy dnes jako Ustava Evropskeho ustavu.
Takovym neprimym dukazem je napriklad sbor tkalcu z Cimrmanovy operety
"Pardubicka krev":
"Milovanou ustavu
Evropskeho ustavu
trenujeme u stavu
trenujeme u stavu
Ref: Vrt se clunku, jen se vrt,
Evropa je na padrt"
Co se s Ustavou Evropskeho ustavu stalo bohuzel nevime. Nas pruzkumny
oddil s psem Votrokem a bagrem MTR-5005 po ni patra a jakmile budou
nalezeny jakekoliv relevantni materialy, okamzite vas vyrozumime.
za hradeckou sekci,
Honza Rehacek
Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 09:50:31 +0100
Reply-To: Jara da Cimrman
Sender: Jara da Cimrman
From: Martin Dostal
Subject: Re: Evropsky ustav
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Vazeni kolegove,
proces deintegrace vymysleny J. Cimrmanem ke zviditelneni nasi zeme
popsala hradecka sekce temer - neuplne.Opomenula zduraznit, jak vubec
k rozpadu doslo a proc k nemu nakonec nedoslo.Tedy k veci.
Jara, inspirovany politickym denim ve svete, pochopil, ze neni mozne =
Rakousko-Uherske mocnarstvi rozryvat jen s jeho pomoci u vladnouci =
rodiny=20
Habsburku, ale ze je treba vyuzit male, a nevahame rici, mravenci prace=20
prosteho lidu.Poslouzila mu zkusenost z pobytu po jizni Africe.V =
provincii=20
Ulahamna totiz doslo behem oslavy diktatora omylem k odstraneni =
diktatora.
Jak k tomu doslo.Dle Jarovych zaznamu, ktere brnenska sekce objevila na =
listech bananovniku umne uchovalych v zavareninovych sklenicich =
sklepniho=20
archivu ve Slapanicich, jeden slavny bojovnik kmene predvadel prvky =
lukostrelby
mistni zasahove jednotky.I kdyz pouzil slepe sipy, jednim omylem =
sestrelil
kokos nad panovnikem, ktery byl bohuzel tvrdsi, nez jeho hlava.
Prihlizejici obcane to vzali jako signal ke svrzeni nenavideneho a v =
nastalem zmatku byla smetena cela vladnouci chunta.Jara pochopil, ze by =
bylo mozne=20
zde odzkouset demokratickou vladu, a tak po uklidu mrtvich pronesl dnes =
jiz
posvatna slova:"Vim, ze odvekou touhou kazdeho je, ze by chtel vladnout.
Navrhnu vam,jak to udelat."
Dalsi zaznamy jsou vsak na bananovem liste spatne citelne.Z nekolika =
nevyvarenych slov brnenska sekce sestavila mozaiku mozneho dalsiho=20
postupu.
V Ulahamne byla vytvorena tzv.chysova vlada.Znamenalo to, ze kazda chyse =
mela sveho vladce, ktery se kazdy tyden menil tak, az se vsichni =
vystridali.Pote se kruh opakoval.Vladcove chysi se pak schazeli na =
pravidelnych poradach a=20
resili spolecne problemy.K vaznym neshodam zakonite nemohlo dojit, nebot =
se=20
temer nikdy nesetkali dva souputnici.Nevyhodou bylo, ze se schazeli =
porad jini lide a zakony se menili - obtyden.
Mistr chtel vyuzit techto zkusenosti i v nasich podminkach.Nejvice =
vhodna=20
lokalita pro decentralizaci a pro prevrat se mu jevila viska ve =
vychodnich=20
Cechach nesouci nazev Hedvickov.Ackoliv tato mela jen par obyvatel, =
slyset
a videt je bylo v sirokem okoli.Hedvickovsti nechybeli u zadne rvacky, =
prosluli
svym nevybiravym slovnikem a svym negativnim vztahem k rodne zemi.
Jara tedy vyslal s prislibem mozneho vladnuti tyto obcany do okoli.
Jak to dopadlo, jiz vime.Lokalni nepokoje jsou podrobne popsany =
hradeckou
sekci.
Vysledek akci vsak zaskocil i takoveho myslitele, jakym byl Jara =
Cimrman.
On totiz ve sve naivite veril v cistotu umyslu Hedvickovskych.Tito vsak =
jen vyuzili mistnich trenic k vlastnimu prospechu.Koza se tak nenazrala =
a vychodni Cechy
zustali porad pod vlivem C&K mocnarstvi.
S kolegy badateli se louci za brnenskou sekci
Martin Dostal
----------
From: Jan Rehacek[SMTP:honza@TRAIL.COM]
Neni-li mozno Cechy a Moravu zvetsit natolik, aby byly v evropskem
meritku viditelne prostym okem, je nutno velke evropske staty
rozdrobit na mensi a jeste mensi statni utvary a to tak dlouho, az
se ceske zeme stanou nejvyznamnejsi evropskou mocnosti.
Nejmocnejsim statnim utvarem na politicke mape Evropy by se v Jarove
desintegrovane Evrope stalo "Spojene kralovstvi Hradce Kralove a
severnich Pardubic" s celkovym poctem 30000 obyvatel, 2000 kusu dobytka
a 90 obracecu sena, nasledovane Andaluskem, jiznim Porynim a Dejvicemi.
Mocenske trenice ve vychodnich Cechach vyvrcholily v srpnu 1904
ozbrojenym stretnutim mezi prohradeckou Loajalistickou armadou
dobrovolniku a Pardubickou narodne osvobozeneckou armadou v obci
Ceperka.=20
Honza Rehacek
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Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 00:31:06 +0100
Reply-To: Jara da Cimrman
Sender: Jara da Cimrman
From: Alberth Einsteijn
Organization: Monastery of Lhokha Dhargyeling (Himalaya)
Subject: Kruta zima...
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Vå..- kolegyne a koleµove,
volkoni ohlodali levou .ohu, tak"e slape kolo od dynama
toliko jednou .ohou .... velice tu µrzneme... nic nefun&uje...
'ÙÍÍÍ dopis od kolegyne PysKackove by nas tu moc
pOvzbudil!
Diky uz ªredem!
A.
MIßtr s Vami!
Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 00:15:03 +0100
Reply-To: Jara da Cimrman
Sender: Jara da Cimrman
From: =?iso-8859-2?Q?Michal_Dani=B9?=
X-To: jdc-l@adis.cesnet.cz
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Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 01:00:00 MET
Reply-To: Jara da Cimrman
Sender: Jara da Cimrman
From: Tomas Vitek
Organization: SPSSE, Liberec
Subject: Re: Prevzato z Neviditelneho Psa
X-To: xvitp04@vse.cz, katka.novotna@post.cz, petra.janouskova@vsp.cz,
j.mares@zlin.vutbr.cz, 6kociano@green.upce.cz, xkrui01@vse.cz,
lukas.macek@vsp.cz, machace5@students.zcu.cz,
martina.holeckova@vsp.cz, petr.jirsa@vsp.cz, xkalv03@st.vse.cz,
lukas.sedlisky@vsp.cz, reznicm1@student.fsid.cvut.cz,
japo@tmapy.cz, xpohl@feld.cvut.cz
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> > Zmatek v soudni sini
> > Nasledujici slova pry skutecne padla u soudu, jak se pise v knizecce
> > "Disorder in the Court".
> >
> > Otazka : Den vaseho narozeni.
> > Odpoved: Patnacteho cervence.
> > Ot: Ktery rok?
> > Od: Kazdy rok.
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Jake bylo vase vybaveni v okamziku narazu?
> > Od: Teplaky Gucci a Reeboky
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Tahleta myasthenia gravis, ovlivnuje nejak vasi pamet?
> > Od: Ano.
> > Ot: A jakym zpusobem ovlivnuje vasi pamet?
> > Od: Zapominam.
> > Ot: Tedy zapominate. Muzete nam dat priklad neceho, co jste zapomnel?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Jak stary je vas syn, ten, co s vami zije?
> > Od: Tricet osm nebo tricet pet, ted presne nevim.
> > Ot: A jak dlouho s vami zije?
> > Od: Ctyricet pet let.
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Jaka byla prvni slova vaseho manzela, kdyz jste se toho rana probudili?
> > Od: Rekl, "Kde to jsem, Cathy?"
> > Ot: A proc vas to rozrusilo?
> > Od: Jmenuji se Susan.
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: A na kterem miste se nehoda odehrala?
> > Od: Priblizne u milniku cislo 499.
> > Ot: A kde je milnik cislo 499?
> > Od: Pravdepodobne mezi milniky 498 a 500.
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Pane, jake je vase IQ?
> > Od: Myslim, ze vidim pomerne dobre.
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Strazmistre, kdyz jste zastavil obvineneho, byly vase modre a cervene
> > majaky v cinnosti?
> > Od: Ano.
> > Ot: Rekl obvineny neco, kdyz vystoupil z auta?
> > Od: Ano, pane.
> > Ot: Co rekl?
> > Od: "Co je to tu za diskoteku?"
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Pane doktore, je to tak, ze pokud osoba zemre ve spanku, tak se o sve
> > smrti dozvi az nasledujiciho rana?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Ten mladsi syn, co je mu jedenadvacet, jak je stary?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Byla jste pritomna, kdyz vas fotografovali?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Byl jste to vy, nebo vas starsi bratr, kdo zahynul ve valce?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Zabil vas?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Jak daleko od sebe byla vozidla v okamziku srazky?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: A byl jste tam, dokud jste neodesel, je to tak?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Kolikrat jste spachal sebevrazdu?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Takze datum poceti [ditete] bylo 8. srpna?
> > Od: Ano.
> > Ot: A co jste v te dobe delala?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Mela tri deti, ano?
> > Od: Ano.
> > Ot: Kolik z nich bylo chlapcu?
> > Od: Zadne.
> > Ot: A kolik tedy bylo holcicek?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Rikate, ze schody vedly dolu do sklepa.
> > Od: Ano.
> > Ot: A ty schody, vedly take ze sklepa nahoru?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Pane Slatery, vy jste jel na pomerne komplikovane libanky.
> > Od: Jeli jsme do Evropy, pane.
> > Ot: A svou manzelku jste vzal s sebou?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Jak se skoncilo vase prvni manzelstvi?
> > Od: Umrtim.
> > Ot: A ci umrti to bylo?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Muzete tu osobu popsat?
> > Od: Byla stredni postavy a mela plnovous.
> > Ot: Byl to muz ci zena?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Pane doktore, kolik pitev jste provedl na mrtvych?
> > Od: Vsechny me pitvy se provadeji na mrtvych.
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Na vsechny otazky odpovidejte ustne, ano? Jakou skolu jste navstevovala?
> > Od: Ustne.
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Vzpominate si, kolik bylo hodin, kdyz jste telo prohledl?
> > Od: Pitva zacala kolem pul devate vecer.
> > Ot: A pan Dennington byl tou dobou mrtev?
> > Od: Ne, sedel na stole a divil se, proc ho chci pitvat.
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Jste kvalifikovan k dodani vzorku moce?
> > ******************************************
> > Ot: Pane doktore, predtim, nez jste provedl pitvu, presvedcil jste se o
> > nepritomnosti pulsu?
> > Od: Ne.
> > Ot: Zmeril jste krevni tlak?
> > Od: Ne.
> > Ot: Presvedcil jste se, zda doslo k zastave dechu?
> > Od: Ne.
> > Ot: Je tedy mozne, ze pacient byl nazivu, kdyz jste zacal s pitvou?
> > Od: Ne.
> > Ot: Jak si muzete byt tak jisty, pane doktore?
> > Od: Protoze jeho mozek lezel v misce na mem stole.
> > Ot: Ale nemohl byt pacient presto nazivu?
> > Od: Je mozne, ze byl nazivu a pracoval nekde jako pravnik.
> >
>
Date: Mon, 16 Feb 1998 21:06:05 +0100
Reply-To: Jara da Cimrman
Sender: Jara da Cimrman
From: Video on line
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-2
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
huhu
Date: Thu, 18 Feb 1999 00:19:43 +0100
Reply-To: Jara da Cimrman
Sender: Jara da Cimrman
From: Alberth Einsteijn
Organization: Monastery of Lhokha Dhargyeling (Himalaya)
Subject: Kruta zima - SOS
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit
Vå..- kolegyne a koleµove,
volkoni ohlodali levou .ohu, tak"e slape kolo od dynama
toliko jednou .ohou .... velice tu µrzneme... nic nefun&uje...
'ÙÍÍÍ dopis od kolegyne PysKack?ve by nas tu moc
pOvzbudil!
Diky uz ªredem!
A.
MIßtr s Vami!
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 20:21:22 EST
Reply-To: Jara da Cimrman
Sender: Jara da Cimrman
From: Sun020@AOL.COM
Subject: NO MORE SPAM!
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit
Dear Internet User:
To start let me say this, I'm tired of the porn email in my email box and
all that click here crap. I'm a published author in the United States,
Germany and Japan. I've spend seven hours or more a day for the last two
months researching the topic of Spam on the Internet. I've learned a lot
about SMTP blocking, reporting Spam, and blocking your email account from
being spammed. In this time I have practiced everything I have learned in
blocking this crap mail they call professional advertising and in the last few
weeks I have not yet received one piece of Spam. I wrote a full report on
this process I have developed and did some research on how to get this
information around to the right people. I've contacted many spammers and did
some price research, what better way to find the Spam haters then to find the
spammer that is spamming them. I've talked to many well known bulkers as they
like to be called and we made the agreement that I will get to advertise to
there list in return for a profit break. I'm forced to sell my report for the
reason to pay the advertising fee and keep me alive but on the bright side you
will learn to fight against the horrible porn mail in your email box. Please
join me in fighting this horrible advertising method that has been on the
Internet for years. Remember, "Together we stand, divided we fall."
To order my detailed report and provide your help in fighting spam send $15 to
the address below and lets all, together, put a stop to spam once and for all.
K.C. Smith
10 East Louisiana
Evansville, IN 47711
Thank you for your support in this matter.
Your friend and best man in fight against spam.
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 10:22:42 +0200
Reply-To: Jara da Cimrman
Sender: Jara da Cimrman
From: "Libicek, Boris"
Subject: Re: NO MORE SPAM!
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain
Dear K,C,Smith,
I am very glad for you in a way how you are succeding with your noble
efforts.
I just wish to remind you that this group is not exclusively populated by
morons / or was not used to be, until recently/. This may make your holy
crusade somewhat less smooth affair than beaming it the fortunate who can
swallow your mission, or for that matter any unsolicited salvation without
any sense of intelectual discomfort.
It may shock you, but among JDC group, there may be one or two who even
resent to be saved.For certain , definitely by sophisticates of your ilk,
making out of fine art of deception such a blundering mess. Are you not by
any chance a fully preprogrammed ang guaranteed American product ?
In the mean time, before you improve on your persuasive and communication
skills, reroute us some porn which may come your way, you know, just to keep
the contact, that we know that someone is thinking about us and can be one
day /after improvement/ our hope of salvation. @ US $15.00 / piece.
And for you getting tired from porn. You, boy, must not take it so
seriously. Selfabusive overreaction to the nondirect sex stimuli should
ease with time.
May God bless you in your ways !
/the request for direct invasion of divine help seems superfluous seeing how
nicely, enterprisingly you are progressing even without its otherwise
omnipresent interference, but mind with this sex tirednes/
I am most impressed, keep the effort.
plk. B Libicek v.v.
dep. ideological commisar.
UJC central comitee
> ----------
> From: Sun020@AOL.COM[SMTP:Sun020@AOL.COM]
> Sent: Saturday, February 20, 1999 3:21 AM
> To: JDC-L@CESNET.CZ
> Subject: NO MORE SPAM!
>
> Dear Internet User:
>
> To start let me say this, I'm tired of the porn email in my email box
> and
> all that click here crap. I'm a published author in the United States,
> Germany and Japan. I've spend seven hours or more a day for the last two
> months researching the topic of Spam on the Internet. I've learned a lot
> about SMTP blocking, reporting Spam, and blocking your email account from
> being spammed. In this time I have practiced everything I have learned in
> blocking this crap mail they call professional advertising and in the last
> few
> weeks I have not yet received one piece of Spam. I wrote a full report on
> this process I have developed and did some research on how to get this
> information around to the right people. I've contacted many spammers and
> did
> some price research, what better way to find the Spam haters then to find
> the
> spammer that is spamming them. I've talked to many well known bulkers as
> they
> like to be called and we made the agreement that I will get to advertise
> to
> there list in return for a profit break. I'm forced to sell my report for
> the
> reason to pay the advertising fee and keep me alive but on the bright side
> you
> will learn to fight against the horrible porn mail in your email box.
> Please
> join me in fighting this horrible advertising method that has been on the
> Internet for years. Remember, "Together we stand, divided we fall."
>
>
>
> To order my detailed report and provide your help in fighting spam send
> $15 to
> the address below and lets all, together, put a stop to spam once and for
> all.
>
>
>
> K.C. Smith
>
> 10 East Louisiana
>
> Evansville, IN 47711
>
>
>
> Thank you for your support in this matter.
>
> Your friend and best man in fight against spam.
>
Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 13:26:33 -0500
Reply-To: Jara da Cimrman
Sender: Jara da Cimrman
From: Jan Rehacek
Organization: Obecni skola Liptakov
Subject: Re: NO MORE SPAM!
X-cc: Sun020@AOL.COM
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
> From: "Libicek, Boris"
> Subject: Re: NO MORE SPAM!
> Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 10:22:42 +0200
>
> Dear K,C,Smith,
>
> I am very glad for you in a way how you are succeding with your noble
> efforts. I just wish to remind you that this group is not exclusively > populated by morons / or was not used to be, until recently/.
Right on target, Mr. Deputy Commissar!
Our dear Smith not only uses spamming itself to fight this plague of
the modern day Internet, but he also fails to mention the crucial role
of the inventor of the Internet, Jara da Cimrman, in the history of
spamming and that is inexcusable.
As is well known, Jara Cimrman experimented with several peripheral
devices after his invention of the Internet around 1907 with the clear
intention of enhancing the range of disseminable objects. While his
first networks were based on electrical circuits and as such were
capable of transmitting only binary files, ASCII text files and later
on also properly formatted photographs, as soon as 1909 Master triples
(some sources say "cripples") the bandwidth by essentially duplicating
the current electrical wiring with a tube mail (i.e. a system of both
horizontal and vertical plastic tubes in which a capsule is transported
by means of pressurized air).
Therefore, besides candle-based scanners, hydraulic printers and
external cranks to reboot the system, the most frequently used
peripheral component at the turn of the century was Cimrman's digital
meat grinder, first presented at the 23rd International Congress of
Meat Science and Technology in Dumbville, Missouri. Needless to say
that the transmission of various meat products became so cheap that
many butchers had to resort to killing less traditional animals (such
as squirrels, groundhogs, cats and even bats) to satisfy the growing
needs of the Internet community. Indeed, the most delicious of all
meat products, the SPAM itself, became the hottest stock market
commodity of the early 1910s.
Historically first meat transmission was carried out in October 1909,
when Jara Cimrman put some 4 pounds of fine pork into his external
meat grinder and sent his friend, Liptakov's butcher Vojtech Masny,
a short message with the file "bucek.jmg" appended to it. Despite the
fact that the pork was pronounced "green on arrival" because of the
incompatibility of color palettes in Cimrman's and Masny's grinders,
the first step had been taken and spamming soon started its victorious
march throughout the meanders of the virtual world.
For the technically inclined we might add that the carrier units were
mostly driven by the so called "blower unit", whose only task was to
propel the capsules and move them around in the network. It is quite
remarkable that Cimrman was able to generate enough pressure gradient
for the whole Internet with only two "blower units", each consisting
of approx. 50 retired bagpipes players. One located near Edinburgh
and the other one in downtown Strakonice.
The colossal output of these two power units enabled Internet users
to send not only small packages of meat, but also other objects. No
wonder that illegal spamming became a problem. The individual packets
were very often intermingled during the transmission and many users
began to complain. For instance, some people were sending their dirty
laundry over the Internet and, as you can imagine, when a packet of
soiled underpanties met with a packet of ground beef, a grievance
resulted on both sides. The ground beef acquired very uncharacteristic
smells, while the reddened undergarments made rather misleading
impressions about the intensity of its owner's menstrual bleeding.
By 1912 the illegal spamming was forbidden and Jara Cimrman set out to
straighten Internet up and to crack down on the offenders with his
full mighty authority. Thus, in the honor of great Jara Cimrman, and
in accordance with the JDC-L criminal code, the paragraph on external
spamming, Mr. K.C. Smith should be penalized for his inappropriate
posting by visiting at least 25 porn-sites of his own choice.
> And for you getting tired from porn. You, boy, must not take it so
> seriously. Selfabusive overreaction to the nondirect sex stimuli
> should ease with time.
>
Well, it should. But at the same time we have to keep in mind that
while the overreaction eases with age, the amount of overreaction that
is necessary to tire us out drops too, so the bottom line is that we
get tired anyway :-)
with best regards,
Honza Rehacek
the spokesman of the shadow cabinet of UJC