Off topic: Vozitka na information superhighway

[Petr Novotny]

DObry den,

kdo z vas tohle zna, kdo nema cast nebo naladu na vtipy nebo anglictinu, at
tohle radeji smaze. Ostatnim preji prijemne pocteni.


In the wake of continuing public awareness about the so called
"Information Super Highway", or "Infobahn", here is a guide to the
different protocols and applications which you can use to cruise...

OSI
This sleek black car has obviously been long years in the design
process - almost everything has been thought of, down to the last
detail. Unfortunately, it is 500 metres long, weighs 300 tons, and has
no accelerator pedal. It takes a long time to get going, but once it
reaches its top speed (15 mph), it takes a lot to stop it. A gentle
hill will usually do the trick...

TCP/IP
This hillbilly pickup truck has the most crazy assortment of add ons
you can possibly imagine, but underneath there is a deceptively simple,
rust-free chassis. You can also hear the purr of an obviously
turbo-charged V8 engine underneath the clutter, but it's getting
harder to find. It'll do 0-60 in 4 seconds, but it has no
brakes. Brakes? Who needs brakes? Just jam a crowbar in the axle and
lock the wheels...

WWW
This is a huge freeway system, with roads crossing roads all over the
place. Exits flash past at bewildering speed, and before long you can
think you're lost beyond hope of ever being found. However, if you
know where you want to go, you're okay, since you can guarantee that
there will be at least a dozen ways to get there. Unfortunately,
they're all off that road underneath you. So you just have to work out
how to get there...

Mosaic
This is a huge tour bus, the very latest air conditioned, luxury
model. It'll take you wherever you want to go, as long as there is a
5-lane freeway right to the doorstep, otherwise get off and walk (it's
quicker). Oh, and the highway is jammed with hundreds of other buses
full of Japanese tourists busy taking photos and writing articles
about the anarchic freedom of the highways, whilst sitting in a huge
traffic jam waiting to get into Gracelands.

ftp
This is a sleek bare-bones sports car with an ultra aerodynamic
body. It will take you where you want to go in the blink of a second
and you can fill the boot with as much stuff as you want. However,
there is no windscreen, 184 gears, and you have to type in a 12 digit
number from memory to tell it where to go.

telnet
This is a reliable old family saloon car. It never breaks down, can
fit down any road, no matter how small and twisty, and performs well
no matter what the road conditions. However, it goes at the same speed
on a 6 lane autobahn as on a dirt track, and it steers like a 12 ton
truck.

X Windows
This is a flashy red convertible, with electric windows, doors,
sunroof etc. Inside, you can alter the position of the steering wheel,
the layout of all the controls and instruments, the sound of the horn,
and the colour of any of the fittings. It is the ultimate accessory
for the power user, and gives you many happy years of pleasure. It is
only when you get out of the car that you realise that you never left
the drive.

Windows 95
This car is in such great demand that your order cannot be delivered
until next year. However, when you do get it, it looks great, a big
improvement over the Windows 3 model, and it boasts a big "Highway
Ready" sticker in the back window, which means you finally get to
leave the car park. You get inside, and press the big red "Go
InfoBahn" button on the dashboard. You wait for the g force. Nothing
happens for 10 minutes, then the square wheels fall off.